"You're doing it wrong." There is no surer way to throw me into a tailspin than to tell me those four words. 

That doesn’t mean I always think I’m doing it right. I have a lot of self-doubt and I think I’m pretty open to change. So why do I get so spun out when someone says, “You’re doing it wrong.” It’s because we all have an existential need to think we’re okay. And based on our personalities, we all - each of us - have a core question we’re constantly asking ourselves that tells us if we’re okay or not. And for me, hearing “you’re doing it wrong” tells me I’m not okay. 

Several years ago I attended a fantastic seminar on improving team dialogue. The seminar was based on the Process Communication Model, which you can read about more in Collington and Legrand’s book, Understand To Be Understood. This model describes six different personality types. My base type is The Thinker, and that means the question I’m constantly asking myself is, “Am I competent?” So when someone tells me, “You’re doing it wrong,” it calls my competence into question, which for me is a big deal. Perhaps some of you can relate to this. 

Not everyone is a Thinker. Some people are primarily Feelers, some are Harmonizers, some are Imaginers, some are Rebels, and some are Promoters, and each type has a different core question. Am I valued? Am I lovable? Am I wanted? And so forth. These core questions create specific psychological needs. For example, because my core question is, “Am I competent,” my core psychological need is to have my work, my time, and my organizational capabilities recognized. For someone who is a Feeler, their core psychological need is to have their dedication and conviction recognized. Someone who is a Harmonizer needs to be recognized as a person. And on and on. 

Here’s the thing. No matter your personality type and no matter the personality type of the person you’re communicating with, no real dialogue can happen until everyone’s psychological needs are met. One of my favorite examples of this is when I’m having a one-on-one meeting with someone who I know is a Harmonizer. Their core need is to be recognized as a person, so I always start out by asking how they’re doing, how they’re feeling, how their family is doing, and so forth. By taking a little time and meeting their core psychological need, they’re ready to go. And if there are difficult things we need to discuss during the meeting those conversations are a lot more likely to go well because I started by creating a foundation of safety. But everyone is different. If I was to start a one-on-one with a Thinker by asking about their feelings it would just annoy them. A Thinker has almost certainly come to the one-on-one on time with an agenda prepared and just wants to get started. So a quick, “Looks like you’ve got your agenda prepared as usual. Why don’t we dive right in with what’s most important on your list,” is usually a good way to start.

These skills are important on a personal level, and they’re important at an organizational level, too. If you’re leading change, leading teams, coaching people, providing advice, building processes, or managing projects, your stock in trade is your ability to communicate and persuade groups of people to go along with you. We often approach these conversations thinking, “If I can just lay out my logic and reasoning perfectly, they will have to go along with me.” But people need very little reason to disagree with you. Communication fails most often because one or both sides have simply stopped listening. So a logical argument might be necessary, but it’s not sufficient. To get people to listen to you and maybe even to be persuaded, you have to reach first reach them on a much more basic level, and that’s done by meeting their core psychological needs.

In his book, Just Listen, Dr. Mark Goulston sums this idea up nicely when he writes that in order to get through to people, we first need to make them “feel felt.” What he means is we have to get them to a place where they feel that we see them and that we understand them. That we “get them.” He writes that sometimes the way to get there is as simple as just saying, “I’m trying to get a sense of how you’re feeling, and I think it’s X. Is that right, or are you feeling something else?” It’s a straightforward way of breaking through to understand where people are really at. And once you know where they’re at, you have everything you need to lay the foundation for real dialogue.

We all know we live in this hyper-polarized world where everyone is talking and no one is listening. And usually the louder we talk the less people listen. In these conditions, no one is trying to solve problems. They’re just trying to survive.    

But it doesn’t have to be that way. 

All it takes is one person to stop the cycle. Just one person. I wonder what it would be like for you to start your next difficult conversation by first understanding the person you’re speaking with and making them feel felt, and helping them understand how you feel as well. Meet their psychological needs and lay the foundation for real dialogue. You have nothing to lose, and so much to gain.